Mohini Kundu

I clicked on Alua Arthur’s TED Talk because, earlier this year, my anxiety around mortality was at a fever pitch and I was looking for some comfort. Her talk was titled, “Why Thinking About Death Helps You Live a Better Life.” What followed was not just wisdom about confronting and embracing our mortality; Arthur also shared the incredible story of finding her way to her calling.

She described how her life practicing law in Los Angeles left her extremely depressed, leading her to take a leave of absence to visit Cuba. There she met a woman with uterine cancer on a bus ride, and they had a conversation about life and death. Asking the woman how she felt about the possible end of her life prompted Arthur to reflect on whether she was living in a way she’d be proud of on her deathbed. She was not.

While her experience in Cuba was a wake-up call and planted the seed of what would become her life’s work—supporting people through their end of life journeys as a death doula—it wasn’t until her brother-in-law was diagnosed with a terminal illness six months after her return that her purpose began to crystallize. She describes being there for her brother-in-law in his final moments as “one of the greatest gifts [she’d] ever been given.”

In Cuba, she began to question why there was a lack of support for people approaching death, no one dedicated to helping them with their medical needs or personal affairs, let alone confronting life’s scariest questions. Amid the immense grief and compassion evoked by being present for her brother-in-law’s final days, Arthur found clarity. She observed up close what the end of life experience was like, and she knew that her skills and innate gifts made her the perfect person to guide others through those defining moments.

“I want to die empty,” she says, “devoid of all of the skill, gift, talent, and light that I carry in this body, and satiated, full of the richness of this one unique human ride.”

I dream of one day feeling this type of certainty and aliveness, but I try to remind myself that it doesn’t materialize overnight. Arthur was sharing about these events after ten years of pursuing her path, becoming a death doula, helping clients, and training others to do the same. The confidence and self-knowledge she speaks with are the kind you can only attain by living the journey.

But it comforts me to know that while everything seems obvious in hindsight, moments of uncertainty and indecision are always part of the process. In another talk, Arthur says she “fumbled” after returning from Cuba. She was more inspired than she’d been in a long time, but the next steps didn’t immediately fall into place. She applied to programs but didn’t accept them, and mainly spent her time “waiting, and waiting, and waiting.”

I’m likely drawn to this part of her otherwise exciting story because I feel like it’s where I’m at right now. I left my job the day after her TED Talk was released (correlation, not causation). I’m inspired by what I’ve experienced so far, learning and writing and attempting to be more present every day. I’ve sat up, I’m listening, and waiting. And I can only hope I will be ready if and when that moment of clarity about my own purpose presents itself. 

Arthur’s seminal question is this: 

I’m happy to say that I live my life in this spirit more days and more moments than not. And I’m trying to be patient and content with that for now. What’s one thing you would change about your days to be more at peace with yourself?

Editor’s Note: I highly recommend watching Alua Arthur tell her story. She is one of the most compelling speakers I’ve ever seen and I have not done her story justice.