Mohini Kundu

“Don’t be overheard complaining…Not even to yourself.”  

— Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

I’m an avid follower of Ryan Holiday’s Daily Stoic, and this quote surfaced to me recently. It came to me in a timely period when all I wanted to do was complain.

I was unwell, my days were tiring and inconvenient with no end in sight, and I felt extremely irritable. Worst of all, when I went to share about my grievances with family or friends, the people in my life simply echoed with their own problems.

It didn’t feel great. It’s not as though I have a monopoly on having a bad day, but it felt like wherever I turned, no one cared at all. Whatever I mentioned reminded them of something they wanted to complain about. Whining about my unpleasant stomach flu was met with, “Ah, my stomach was also hurting yesterday.” Since when did we collectively agree that empathy just means, “Oh, me too”? Anyway, that’s a conversation for another day.

I realize I am still complaining now — but I have a point, I promise. I used to think that in the midst of a bit of struggle complaining, or venting as we fondly think of it, was an actual remedy. I believed feeling seen and validated could heal, and just sharing your burden could help lighten the load so you can push forward.

But the reality of this scenario, being stuck in an ever-revolving tornado of complaining, only made me feel worse. I felt badly about whatever circumstance I had labeled my problem, and even the commiseration I thought would make it better kept me trapped in a negative headspace. It made me realize that whatever I’m going through, it’s not unique. It might not even be that bad. It all comes down to how I think about it. And thus I was able to understand the quote better.

As soon as I start to complain about something, it becomes a problem. It leaves me not only needing a solution but also validation for my struggles. This whole ordeal taught me that I’d rather reframe my thoughts. Another stoic principle helps me with this: Things are neither good nor bad. They just are.

If I’m not constantly feeling badly about things, they don’t actually register as problems. Shakespeare puts it more eloquently in Hamlet: “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”

Herein lies the importance of not even hearing yourself complain. It doesn’t mean that your circumstances aren’t challenging. But allowing yourself to go down the path of labeling and lamenting them just takes more of your energy.

Rather than demanding discipline and not allowing complaining, I now interpret the quote to mean: “Take complaining off your to do list.” Don’t add it to your worries. And suddenly, you’ve got nothing to complain about.