Mohini Kundu

People are often tender in the places where they’ve been hurt, physically and emotionally. But I’ve found that emotional or mental wounds can be harder to spot, even for the person who is wounded. They can be so painful that the mind tries to protect itself by obscuring those hurts from us, lest we encounter the trauma again and again.

But the same way you might cradle your belly if you had a bruise, we may lash out to protect ourselves when someone goes poking around something that pains us emotionally, without even realizing it. If you need evidence of how oblivious we can be to our own damaging tendencies, look no further than some of the folks on the show Couple’s Therapy (I’m looking at you Mau). This was also the case for me.

One of the things I learned in therapy is that it doesn’t pay to psychoanalyze others. It’s impossible to know the millions of experiences that make another person who they are. But I have found it helpful to look at myself from the outside in and try to understand the psychology (and physiology) behind my behaviors.

My introduction to therapy was a wonderful therapist on YouTube I found while trying to figure out how to stop a panic attack. Emma McAdam is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and she has an entire playlist on the subject on her YouTube channel. She helped me understand the small, repeated actions that kept me trapped in a loop of panic. Within a few days with her tips, I was able to prevent the worst of the escalations. (Highly recommend checking out her content in the links above if you struggle with panic or anxiety attacks.)

Since her advice was so straight-forward and effective, I dove deeper into her content. One of the most prevalent themes on her channel is self-regulation. According to PositivePsychology.com, “Self-regulation involves managing emotions, thoughts and behaviors to achieve long-term goals, enhancing personal and professional success.”

I’ve come to understand it as the pause between a strong emotional reaction and whatever act follows. By creating space between the two and understanding that emotions are messengers, not necessarily truth, the actions that follow can come from a place of compassion and curiosity rather than hurt or anger.

Self-regulation is not about ignoring your emotions; it’s about processing them properly so they don’t take over your life and have you behaving in ways that contradict your values. And it all starts with willingness. So many of us don’t want to face our emotions. They can be painful and deeply uncomfortable, and it can be tempting to distract yourself from them. But I developed so much discomfort with my emotions that I no longer felt at home in my own body.

When I got my body’s wakeup call, I knew I couldn’t look away any longer. I sought out a therapist and was even eager to learn about and face my demons. Spoiler: The realizations I had in therapy had me fighting my therapist, arguing with her in complete denial. To be continued…